"I went from relationship to relationship, looking for love and acceptance, willing to do whatever I thought it took, but I was always dissapointed that the hole in me was never filled. Thankfully..."
My mother had told me that Jesus said "When you seek me with all of your heart you will find me"...well I have to say, those are the truest words I have ever heard spoken.

I was brought up in a Christian/Catholic home.  How ever much my mother tried to make the Lord a part of our lives, my father being an alcoholic and not a believer always gave satan a doorway in to devour the good.

By 1998 at the age of about 25 my life had become the mess that I was always sure it would be. I went from relationship to relationship, looking for love and acceptance, willing to do whatever I thought it took, but I was always dissapointed that the hole in me was never filled.Thankfully the Lord had put people in my life along the way to reinforce what my mother had always tried to teach me about God.

One Sunday shortly after yet another break up, I had nothing to do, I had dropped most of my girlfriends because they had gone in the direction of cocaine and much worse promiscuity than I.  My life was totally empty, and I was too tired to even think of what to do with myself next...so I went to church.I went to the church that we had attended on Christmas and Easter and asked the lord to come into my life and just take it where ever he wanted it to go.

I was sincere, but I never went back to the church, (until the next holiday) I thought I could just pray every day, be thankful, acknowledge my blessings and that would make me a better person.I grew a very strong faith...I spoke to God all the time and prayed, I was changing as a person, but I wasn't living the life of a Christian, b/c I didn't really know what that was.

I thought that God was this entity, out there somewhere, and that if I beleived in Jesus, and was generally good I was doing ok by him.Besides I didn't want to become "one of those born again types"...I was still concerned what people thought, and I didn't want to be sterio typed.

So I was living the Christian life as I defined it, which I now realize was an insult to God, since he died on the cross for me, just so that he could love me in heaven for eternity, I was too concerned what the worldly people in my life would think to bother trying to be what God wanted.  And I'm sure I didn't really think I could do it anyway.I didn't realize that all he wanted was for me to try and that he would take care of the rest.

I felt the pull of wanting to be closer to God when he had sent people in my life that reminded me that I knew I wasn't close enough to him.  (I was a personal trainer and he sent me two 60 something nuns to train!)  Two very wise, very spiritual women..I would listen to the occasional Christian cd that my mother would burn for me, but I was still thinking I was spiritual enough and didn't need anything more.

Then this year I was invited to come to church a few Wed nights, I knew I always enjoyed church when I went, so I came...but this time it was different.It was like this little pull I had felt on my heart was stronger than ever before.  Stronger than anything I cared about, my friends, my husband, anything...

The first couple of times I just knew I was ready to live for God, GOD'S WAY...and be "one of those people" that are in church every time the door is open and actually do read the Bible, not use it for home decor like a coffe table book.

In the interum, my marriage had not been going the way that I had wanted, and I was basicly telling my husband of 3 years that it's time to go our seperate ways.  With no children yet I thought of it as, it was not "meant to be", and we could both start over.

My husband is a good man, if you could get into heaven by just being good hearted, he would be the first one to get there.  He was raised Catholic and had also been one of those people to mock born again Christians for being so "by the book".As for us, the very basic marriage problems you hear about everywhere, but with my past I don't have the tolerance for any hurts at all...so I always look to run away and find something else.He knew I had been going on Wed nights and enjoying myself, but I hadn't shared my new found feelings with him or aksed him to go on Sunday, and I hadn't gone either.

One week we had been arguing all week...that week he asked me to go to church twice already, but I didn't think he had a place in my future, I didn't think church could help us as a couple at this point and I was sure he wouldn't like all the singing and praising going on there.  I was ready to divorce him and live my life for God.(what's wrong with that sentence!)

That friday he asked me for the third time that week "Let's just go to church on Sunday"...It dawned on me that maybe God was pulling on his heart also, as I warned him no too go there just for me...so we went.I can't even begin to say how different I think now.

God has revealed himslef to me in a personal way that I never understood before.I never needed proof of God, but when you seek him with all your heart you do see him with open eyes.I am as sure that God is real and with me every day as I am sure there is a chair holding me off the floor right now.

He has spoken to me through signs, people and the words of the Bible, and I will never be empty again.I know that my life has a purpose, to live for the glory of God, to be a light in this dark world where ever I go...and as my pastor says, to worship the Lord Jesus in spirit and in truth.

Which means just to do everything in a way to be a blessing to God.Let God direct my steps every day, do everything as un to Him...as much as I want to do things my way sometimes, I realize that God has a better plan for me, and if I just let him use my life for his glory and not my my will, I will never have to wonder if I am on the right path, and I know I will live to worship him in heaven.

The best thing about my life now, is that I feel purpose for my life here, and I know I will have life after I die, and that while I'm here.  Having true faith is like knowing that you're Father in heaven has the
wheel and you can let go, and trust him in all things.  I't not a crutch, it's a love.  When you realize that he died on the cross just for you.

My husband, he isn't there all the way yet, but he accepted Jesus as his savior, he loves church, and he says he feels warm and comforted when he sings the words in worship and thinks about what they mean...he has realized what being a born again Christian is, which is not what he thought, and hopefully he will see trying to live "by the book" made his wife a much more loving person in his life.  Glory to Jesus, Amen

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